Boy

The photograph on the dresser told me
you were your father's double. First-born son,

they wept at your arrival, took you home
to be dressed. Drove you to the best kindergarten,

taught you to speed a bicycle. You raced
with mechanical dinosaurs; read Roald Dahl

on stormy afternoons, watched cartoons
with a Milo mug. Safe from influenza,

you grew up happy. Met girls in McDonald's,
joined the school band. Hated your haircut,

plucked a second-hand guitar, slept fitfully
in a crowded bunk. Took me home, led me to

your parents' bedroom. It was nearly dawn;
we couldn't wake your sister. There they were

with eighties hair, matching smiles; engaged,
legitimate. All we could only dream of being.

Three Endings

1.

Uncle Steve, forty-five.
Bespectacled egg-head
usually invited,

always in yellow, ironed chinos.
Skilled at karaoke,
bad with jokes.

One wife, a teacher.
A son, Chris, I bickered with
but secretly loved.

He was poor, Dad said
despite the Mercedes.
They sold their house,

moved to a three-room flat.
Respectable, Mum agreed,
slipping off her shoes.

He killed himself
in September, flightless pigeon
plummeting past windows.

Chris found his body
after football; pushing, shoving
through the commotion.

2.

Uncle Pete, fifty-one.
Woolly eyebrows, shy smile:
an ex-convict.

He’d stabbed his girlfriend,
Dad confided, then slashed himself.
Cheating bitch.

Always the quiet ones
who explode, then get released
for good behaviour.

They become pastors
with neat haircuts,
strengthened by remorse.

Help their friends
move furniture, puffing with strain;
gently kiss their daughters.

Die from cancer
a decade later.
Churchgoers gathered round

his bedside, tear-stained women
wringing their hands.
At least he’d gone to Heaven.

3.

Uncle Rob, fifty-nine.
Rotund, sportive, a fixture
in framed photographs.

Went on holidays,
horse-riding, swimming,
butterfly parks; led us

past mountains,
wind-swept grassland
in his blue sedan.

He dreamt of retiring
in Australia; every day,
a game of golf.

Stopped breathing after
a week in hospital.
Be quiet, they said,

the service’s starting.
In my mother’s dress, I cried
for his jaundiced cheeks,

ill-fitting suit.
Those seaside vacations,
road-trips spent fishing.

Ant Dinner

They circled the light in swarms,
dank planets revolving
around the swaying bulb.

Not understanding their reflections,
they died in a red bowl, dive-bombing
its watery depths.

As they floated on their backs,
we brought dinner
to the wooden table.

My mother, furrowed with exhaustion.
Father, loudly chewing our leftovers.
The spoon sank further in.

On television, a girl wept.
The sun retreating, neighbours wrapped up
a badminton game.

Sternly, they asked why I hadn’t eaten
the boiled fish, crooked vegetables.
I wished they understood.

Vertigo

Monday morning: moist, frosty,
the rattle of garbage men
as they tussle with sacks
of beer cans and cracked eggshells,
frozen on our doorstep.
The bananas are ripening,
begging to be chewed;
shuddering in their leather skins.
In a corner you are folding away
the last of your clothes,
bee-stung by my slumber.

I cringe at the ceiling
as it draws close, then recedes: tidal.
Fearing distances, still believing
the sky might swallow my leap.
An ambulance roars past; I’m fainting.
Your face dissolves into the background,
flattening into a thin, sweet paste.
There’s nothing here but space
and you half-submerged:
blue shirt, grey trousers, blue
on blue.